


The Truth Untold

by RJSawyer



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: F/M, FTM, Longing, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secrets, Transitioning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 20,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22705270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RJSawyer/pseuds/RJSawyer
Summary: Neil Josten was a man of many secrets. Some he was willing to give away, some he guarded close. Some secrets could get him killed. Other secrets, if they got out  could take everything away from him. He’d lose his team. His scholarship. His home.FTM (Trans) Neil
Relationships: Katelyn/Aaron Minyard, Matt Boyd/Danielle "Dan" Wilds, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 58
Kudos: 184





	1. Chapter 1

Neil Josten was a man of many secrets. Some he was willing to give away, some he guarded close. Some secrets could get him killed. Other secrets, if they got out could take everything away from him. He’d lose his team. His scholarship. His home.   
He hid away to change because he had scars, that was the story his team believed. It was true, but there was more. More he was unwilling to tell. He pressed Andrew’s hand to the scars on his stomach last November. It was stupid. It was reckless, but he needed Andrew to get better. Now, Andrew wanted to see his scars and he had no real reason to tell him no. No real reason that Andrew knew. But this could ruin everything.   
Andrew was right. Neil Josten was a pipe dream, because Neil Josten didn’t exist, not just in name but in every part he showed his team. It wasn’t just the hair dye or the contacts he used to hide behind. Those were taken away from him by Riko. He had given parts of himself away to Riko in order to keep his biggest secret. Parts of himself that he’d always miss, always mourn, but he’d never regret. So far, Riko kept up their deal and Neil kept up his. He kept his hair his natural color, he threw away the contacts. He showed off his tattoo.   
But now Andrew wanted to see him with his shirt off. No one had seen him with his shirt off in years. It wasn’t just the scars. It was so so so much more. Abby was the only one who knew and that’s because she saw him without his shirt. She kept his secrets, even from Wymack.   
Wymack found out when he cut Neil’s shirt off of him New Years Eve. That shock was worse for Wymack than the tattoo on his cheek. He promised Wymack answers after Finals. He’d give him those answers, willingly. Wymack deserved it.   
Neil wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror, just enough so he could see his face. He looked into his eyes, his father’s eyes and shivered. He was every inch the spitting image of his father, except one huge thing that he couldn’t tell. He closed his eyes and let his forehead rest on the mirror.   
“Neil you almost ready?” Matt Boyd called from the other side of the door.   
Neil jumped and turned his back to the door in instinct, “Almost,” he called back quickly.   
He bent down and pulled out a small bag he had hidden in the back of the cabinet and opened it. He ran his fingers over the needles. He’d need another prescription soon. He’d talk to Abby after practice. Abby said she’d help as much as she could, but she also suggested he talked to Betsy. He kept putting it off, but with Andrew back and off his meds would Abby let him push it off again? Would she believe his empty promises?   
He dressed quickly, the heat from his shower making his skin and the air sticky, so it was more difficult then it should be, even more so with his injuries from Riko still healing.   
He walked out pulling at the front of his long sleeved T Shirt and smoothing it over his front. He looked up and Matt smiled at him from the door. “Ready?”   
“Yeah let me grab my keys,” Neil said as he headed into the bedroom.  
“Get your phone,” Matt called after him.   
Neil was still forced to sit on the sidelines and he hated it. Hated Riko for taking away the first game of the Final’s season from him. If he hated missing practice this much he could only imagine how much he’d hate sitting out from the game.   
“How you feeling?” Matt asked as they walked out into the hallway.  
“I’m fine,” Neil said.   
“You don’t look fine,” Dan said as she walked up to their group.  
“I’m fine,” Neil said again. He looked over his shoulder as Kevin waled out of his room with the cousins on his heels. He had never been so happy to see Kevin in his life.   
“See you at practice,” He waved to Matt and Dan as he followed them down the hall.


	2. Chapter 2

Neil wasn’t at all surprised that Andrew remembered his promise to show him his scars before they went to Columbia. He showed up when Matt left to go to dinner with Dan and Neil had no one to hide behind.  
Andrew followed him into his room and waited. Neil set the bag of new clothes down on Matt’s bed and turned to Andrew slowly.   
“Can’t I give you something else?” Neil asked  
“What do you have I’d want?” Andrew asked.   
“I don’t know,” Neil said. “What do you want from me?”   
“I don’t want anything,”   
“But you want this,” Neil said. “Why?”   
“You promised,”   
“But why ask for it at all?” Neil asked quickly.   
“Why put my hand to your scars in November?”   
Why had he done that? Neil sighed deeply. “Because I’m an idiot.” He sighed deeply again and lifted his shirt to show Andrew the scars he pressed his hand too, showing him just his stomach.   
Andrew ran his eyes over them then reached out slowly and pressed his hand to Neil’s warm skin like he had months ago. He looked back to Neil and shook his head. “Nope. All the way off,”   
“Andrew,”   
“Are you going to break your promise to me?” Andrew asked. “You know I hate that.”   
“It’s just,” Neil hugged his middle after he dropped his shirt “There’s… more than the scars.”   
“Figured,” Andrew said  
“What?”   
“We all know you have the scars,” Andrew said. “Why hide them if there’s not more.”   
“And you’re still making me show you?”   
“Truths Neil, that’s the game we play isn’t it?” Andrew asked. “How can I believe anything you say if you’re not honest about this.”   
“If you already know it just say it,” Neil said through gritted teeth.   
“I don’t know it,” Andrew said. “I said there was more than the scars.”   
“You promise you won’t tell anyone?” Neil asked  
“Have I told anything you ever told me to anyone else?”  
Neil blinked. No. Andrew hadn’t ever told anyone the secrets Neil traded him. Neil was depending on that. “Don’t let me down this time,” Neil said softly. He closed his eyes and slowly took his shirt off. He kept his eyes away from Andrew and stood there, holding his shirt to his chest. He closed his eyes and let his hands fall away from his binder across his chest.   
Andrew was quiet. Andrew was normally quiet, but this quiet took on new meaning, This quiet was full of unspoken words.   
“Huh,” Andrew said after a long silence. “As always you are full of surprises.”   
Neil went to put his shirt back on, but Andrew grabbed his wrist. “I’m not done looking.”   
“Yes you are,” Neil snapped.  
“Oh please,” Andrew said. “I came here to look at your scars not your binder.” He moved hand to the burn scar on his shoulder, the one from his father and pressed his fingers into the puckered skin. “Someone shot you,” he said when his finger found the bullet wound.  
“I told you I was on the run,”   
“This,” Andrew dug his fingers back into the burn scar. “Isn’t from being on the run.”  
“My father gave me that,” Neil said softly. “Hit me with a hot iron.”   
Later, when Neil pulled his new shirt on from the bag Andrew lingered. “So, are you doing this because you’re on the run?”  
“You think I’d do this for a disguise?”   
“So trans then,” Andrew said. “Interesting as always.” He said and left the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Neil knocked on Abby’s open office door not wanting to interrupt her.   
“Its open,” Abby called from inside. She looked up as Neil came in and gave him a pretty smile, “Neil.”   
“Hi,” Neil said softly and shut the door behind him. “Can we talk?”   
“Sure,” Abby sat down stopping her filing at the file cabinet behind her desk. “What do you want to talk about?”   
“I’m almost out,” Neil said then sighed when she looked like she wasn’t following “Of my prescription? For T?”   
“Oh,” Abby said and nodded. “Have you talked with Betsy like I asked?”   
“I got on T legally Abby,” Neil said. “I’ve already been cleared by a shrink.”   
“Still,” Abby said. “How long since you talked to one? Since you saw an actual doctor?”   
“Milport”   
“I would feel more comfortable if you at least went to a doctor.” Abby said. “I can set it up for you. Just between us. With a new doctor it would be easier if you went with a note from Betsy.”   
“No,” Neil said.   
“What if I talked to her first?” Abby asked. “Said that you are only willing to talk about your transition and nothing else?”   
“You’d do that?” Neil blinked.  
“I’ve seen your scars Neil,” Abby said softly. “I know you have secrets and you think talking to Betsy will out you in someway, but your health is important to me. Physically and mentally. I know what it can do to you if you aren’t taking T anymore. You have enough going on without that getting in the way.”   
Neil took a deep breath. “Thank you,”   
Abby nodded. “I’ll talk to her this afternoon and set something up in the next few days?”   
“Okay,” Neil said. “Just don’t make it during practice? I don’t want questions.”   
“Alright,” Abby said. “While you’re here lets look you over and see if we can’t get you back on the Court tomorrow.”   
“Really? You said I had to wait until tomorrow, I figured you wouldn’t let me back on the court until Wednesday.”   
“Well you’re here now,” Abby said “Not much will change in 12 hours,”   
When Neil walked out of Abby’s office with an all clear to start practice tomorrow he stopped when he saw Andrew leaning against the wall down the hallway waiting. “Andrew?”   
Andrew pushed himself off the wall and continued down the hallway assuming Neil would follow. Neil did after a sigh and a short deliberation. Once outside Andrew lit a cigarette and offered it to Neil. Neil took it and took a short drag before handing it back.   
“How long?” Andrew asked  
Neil looked around to make sure they were alone and stepped closer to Andrew “How long what?”   
“Since you transitioned?”   
“Milport,” Neil said.   
“On T?”   
Neil nodded.   
“Prescribed?” Andrew asked. “To you?”   
“That’s why I was talking to Abby,” Neil said rolling his eyes. “She’s going to help me get a prescription here, mines almost out,” he added when Andrew continued to blink at him.   
“You don’t keep your T in your safe,” Andrew said.   
“I knew better,” Neil said softly.   
Andrew took another step closer and smoothed Neil’s shirt over his chest  
Neil slapped his hand away “What are you doing?”   
“You need a new binder,” Andrew said. “Come on.”   
Neil tugged at the front of his shirt and crossed his arms over his chest. “Where are we going?”   
“Shopping,” Andrew said over his shoulder. 

Neil didn’t get out of the car when they arrived at a mall an hour outside of campus. “Why are we here?”   
“Nontraditional undergarment place in there called Underworks,” Andrew said as he opened the car door. He blinked when Neil didn’t move. “I’ll say its for me.” Andrew said.   
“Why?”   
“Because I don’t want to deal with you having a freak out right now. Get out.” He said and got out slamming the door behind him.   
Neil lingered by the front of the store glancing around him but really too nervous to commit to anything. He had never been in a store like this. He ordered his binder online and got it a few days before he came to Palmetto. His chest was never very big since he was small, so in high school he usually wore ace bandages and too small sports bras.   
“Neil,”   
He sighed and followed Andrew further into the store. Thankfully no one asked them if they needed help after their short greeting. Shopping with Andrew alone was easy. It was nothing like shopping with all of them. Andrew wouldn’t put up with Neil’s stalling, so he didn’t.   
“How do you know what size I am?” Neil asked softly.   
Andrew shrugged. “My size, you’re just taller.”   
“I didn’t know you were my size,” Neil said.   
“I’m more observant.” Andrew said picking a few binders out.   
“I just need one,” Neil sighed when Andrew ignored him and walked to the register.   
Neil figured they were leaving but Andrew pulled him by the wrist in the opposite direction of the car.   
“Where are we going now?” Neil asked  
“Unless you want to walk in to the dorm with just those you’re going to need a distraction,” Andrew said. “You live with Matt. He’ll want to see what you got.”   
“Good plan,” Neil sighed. “Why are you helping me?”  
“Everything else is boring,” Andrew said.


	4. Chapter 4

Neil sat next to Andrew on the roof, one leg hanging over the edge. Andrew smoked, he was on his third already. He had something on his mind, but Neil didn’t know how to ask what. He didn’t know if he should.  
Andrew had kept his secret so far. Neil was thankful, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew better than to push Andrew. He laid back on the cold cement and looked up at the stars peeking through the cold February clouds.  
“I’m taking my turn,” Neil said. When Andrew didn’t say anything, he continued. “You’re not a sociopath are you?”  
“I never said I was,”  
“You let them say it about you,” Neil said. “You could correct them.”  
“Why?”  
Neil looked over towards Andrew and blinked when he realized Andrew was watching him. He held Andrew’s gaze, his eyes barely visible in the dim light of the roof, but Neil could feel his eyes.  
“Why not?” Neil asked  
“Boring,”  
“What were the pills then if they weren’t anti-psychotics?”  
“You already had your turn,” Andrew said and flicked his cigarette ash at Neil.  
Neil sat up and wiped his shirt off. “Asshole. Take your turn then.”  
“No,”  
“What do you want to know? There has to be something.” Neil said.  
“What would you give me?”  
“Anything,” Neil said.  
“Don’t anything me,” Andrew scoffed.  
“Don’t ask questions if you don’t want the answer,”  
“I hate you.” Andrew said. “90% of the time I want to throw you off this roof.”  
“Only 90%? I thought you hated me.”  
“I do,” Andrew said. “I only want to murder you 90% of the time, I always hate you.”  
“Then why keep my secrets?”  
“You want me to tell them?” Andrew asked.  
“No,” Neil frowned. “But why keep them? You haven’t told Aaron and Nicky I speak German. Why?”  
“Why should I?”  
“Because they’re your family,” Neil said.  
“I don’t believe in family,” Andrew said.  
Neil turned to look at him again. “Me either.”  
“What do you believe in?” Andrew asked.  
That people will hurt you before you hurt them? That people are evil. That the horrors in the world are always brought on by people? Neil looked away and shrugged. “Hard to believe in anything.”  
“You believed in me enough to stay,” Andrew said.  
“Don’t make me regret that,”  
“I can’t make you do anything.” Andrew said with a roll of his eyes. He lit another cigarette.  
“How many of those are you going to smoke?”  
“Who are you? My mother?” Andrew asked. “Pretty sure I don’t have one of those.”  
“Did you really kill her?” Neil asked carefully.  
“What makes you think I had anything to do with that?” Andrew asked coolly.  
“In Wymack’s apartment when I said my parents were dead you asked if I killed them.” Neil said.  
“As surprising as ever,” Andrew said.  
“Did you kill your mother?”  
“She’s not my mother.” Andrew said. “I told her to stop hurting Aaron. She didn’t listen.”  
“So you’re even now.” Neil said then continued when Andrew looked at him. “You protected Aaron against you--- his mother,” Neil corrected himself “And Aaron protected you against Drake.  
Andrew blinked at him, but gave nothing away in his face. “Children should be seen not heard.”  
“Andrew,”  
“Go inside, go bug someone else.”  
“Am I bothering you?” Neil asked.  
“Beyond belief,”  
“That’s funny,” Neil said. “I thought you said nothing got to you.” Neil got up and brushed his pants off. “Thank you. For not telling anyone.”  
“91%” Andrew said not looking at him.


	5. Chapter 5

Neil was used to bad days, he had a lot of them. He was used to dysphoric days, he had a lot of those too. Today, was a combination of the two, which Neil didn’t have a lot of. All day he just felt off, moody for no reason, snappy when he was asked questions. He didn’t get it, didn’t understand what had made his day so horrible from the moment he woke up. He didn’t understand it until after practice he was in the bathroom changing and took an extra few sections to go to the bathroom. When he wiped the toilet paper came back bright red.   
Neil stared at it in disbelief for a long time. This couldn’t be happening. He hadn’t had his period in… he couldn’t remember the last time. He was on T, that stopped it. He dropped the toilet paper into the toilet and pulled at his pants. Fuck Fuck Fuck.   
It was all over his boxers, leaked through to his padding. FUCK. Neil didn’t realize he was crying unit he leaned his elbows on his knees and put his face in his hands. The tears were almost as bad as the blood. He tried to stay quiet as he sobbed into his fist breathing back hitched wet breaths. He didn’t know how long he was in there, but soon he heard a door open and he froze. He heard one set of feet walk in and pause at the mouth of the bathroom. Then it happened. Someone knocked on the stall door. Neil didn’t answer, he couldn’t   
“Neil,” Andrew’s voice said when he didn’t answer.   
“Go away,” Neil said, his voice shaky still.   
“Everyone’s gone but Abby and Wymack,” Andrew said.  
“Go away,” Neil said again, this time more firm.   
Andrew was quiet, but still there, Neil could see his feet from under the stall.   
“Andrew go away.” He said again.   
“Do you need Abby?”   
“No! I need you to leave me alone!” Neil yelled.   
Andrew was quiet again, unmoving. Neil knew that he wouldn’t leave. He knew his hackles were up, knew that Andrew was on alert like a fucking guard dog.   
Neil sighed deeply. “I…” His voice broke and he sucked back a few wet breaths. He heard Andrew move closer. “Don’t come in.” Neil said in a moment of terror.  
“I’m not,” Andrew said. “Just tell me what’s going on. Are you hurt?”   
“No,” Neil said. “Yeah… no… I… got something.”   
“Got something?”   
“A surprise.” Neil said through gritted teeth. “That I haven’t had in a long time?”   
“Um.”   
“Something as a CIS man you wouldn’t understand?” Neil asked getting angry.   
Andrew was quiet. Neil wasn’t sure he understood. He sighed deeply when Andrew walked away. Thank God. Now he could be miserable by himself. Neil pulled hs bottoms off and sighed, he hoped this wouldn’t stain.   
He froze when he heard the door open again. He heard the familiar gate to Andrew’s walk and sighed.   
A moment later a bag fell over the top of the stall and landed in front of Neil. Neil blinked at it then slowly picked it up.Inside was a pair of boxers, his from his locker. Fucking Andrew. And a pad. Tears came to Neil’s eyes again and he sniffed out his thanks.   
“Give me your uniform.” Andrew said.  
“No,” Neil sniffed.   
“Neil for fuck sakes,” Andrew said through gritted teeth.   
Neil gasped and looked down just in time to see his padding and pants be pulled through the bottom of the stall.   
“Andrew no that’s disgusting don’t touch it,” Neil gasped.   
“I’m not touching it,” Andrew said. “I’m giving it to Abby.”   
“Abby?”   
“Honestly where do you think I got that from?” Andrew asked. “I don’t know a single thing about what you people with uteruses go through.” Andrew said his voice trailing off and he stomped out of the bathroom.  
Neil cleaned himself up, pulled on the new boxers on with the pad stuck on it and stood up. He pulled on his jeans and put the old boxers in the plastic bag from Andrew. He was surprised to see Andrew sitting in the locker room when he walked out, a bag sitting next to him.   
Neil stopped, alternating his weight between his feet, not sure what to say, not sure if he could meet Andrew’s eyes.   
“At least I know why you’ve been an asshole the last few days.” Andrew said.  
“Not the right thing to say,” Neil grimaced.   
“Abby gave me this,” Andrew said. “Care package.” He nodded at the bag next to him.  
“Thanks,” Neil said and sighed.   
“You want to stay with her?”   
“Why would I stay with her?” Neil blinked.   
“Bathroom trips…” Andrew said then continued when Neil stared at him. “You live with Matt?   
“Fuck me,” Neil sighed. “What would I even say?”   
“To Matt?” Andrew asked “Who the fuck cares?”   
“He’ll want to know why I’m staying with Abby,” Neil snapped.   
“Lie,” Andrew said. “You lie about everything anyways.”   
“Don’t be an asshole,” Neil growled.  
“Not about this,” Andrew waved him off. “Its not their business to know, they don’t matter.”   
“And you do?” Neil asked.   
“I’m the one protecting your ass aren’t I?” Andrew asked. “The man keeping you here?”   
Neil crossed his arms and looked away from him.   
“Quit sulking,” Andrew stood and pushed the bag into Neil’s chest. “Let’s go. I’m dropping you at Abby’s.” 

Matt had questions, of course he did, but Neil tried to side step as much as he could. Finally he came up with he was sick and didn’t want to get Matt sick or keep him up with him getting up in the middle of the night. Matt shrugged and took Neil’s lie as face value.   
Andrew loomed more than usual. Neil didn’t get it. He didn’t get why Andrew, who cared about nothing, cared enough to be a one man barrier between Neil and questions from his teammates. He didn’t get why he made the others drive home with Matt after practice.   
That night, after practice, as Andrew drove Neil to Abby’s Neil watched him. Watched as his light eyes turned almost yellow in the lights from oncoming traffic. Neil smiled just a little as he watched the other boy.   
“Staring,” Andrew said not looking at him.


	6. Chapter 6

Andrew was quiet most days. He barely spoke now that he was sober, it was a far cry from the chatter that used to come from the blonde. Neil preferred him quiet, he didn’t do well with chatter. He sat with Andrew, the quiet surrounding them the same as Andrew’s smoke. Tonight though, Neil had questions. They pulled at him until he was watching Andrew in the dim light.  
“Your staring is becoming a problem,” Andrew said as he lifted the whiskey bottle to his mouth.  
“Just thinking,”  
“Do it in another direction,” Andrew said lazily.  
Neil snorted and looked out over the campus. He looked over the empty parking lot where the athletes wrecked cars had been yesterday, now it was half full of rental cars. The guilt Neil felt over it surprised him. He wasn’t used to feeling guilty, he wasn’t used to having anyone to feel guilty over.  
“Andrew?” Neil looked over when he didn’t get a response, but he saw Andrew’s eyes slide his way. “I…” He wanted to say he was sorry. He wanted to say thank you. He wanted to ask if Andrew was mad for Neil stopping him from hurting Allison. All those things though, he couldn’t say. He didn’t know how. He looked back at the parking lot and said the only thing he could “Take the money from me. If your insurance doesn’t cover it all.”  
“I don’t need your money,”  
“This was my fault,” Neil said.  
“Your conscience is not my problem,” Andrew said.  
“This was my fault.” Neil repeated. “I knew the pull Riko had and I still-“  
“Stop,” Andrew cut him off.  
“Andrew-“  
“Who are you?” Andrew asked  
“What?”  
“First you’re the quiet kid, then you open your mouth and rip Riko open on national television, then you don’t care about anything, then you want to stay because you’re tired of being nothing, then you’re a martyr no one asked for letting Riko take him apart over Christmas.” Andrew said.  
“You know why I did that,” Neil said.  
“I don’t need you to protect me.”  
“Someone has too,” Neil sad.  
“92%”  
“You have our backs, always, no questions asked,” Neil said. “If you deem someone worthy of your protection you’ll do it no matter what. Who has your back? And don’t say you do because we both know you take shit care of yourself.”  
“Be quiet before I throw you off the roof,”  
“I’ll drag you with me,” Neil said.  
Andrew turned to argue, but stopped with his mouth open when he met Neil’s gaze. “Stop it,”  
“I’m not doing anything,” Neil said.  
“You are the worst fucking idea I ever had,” Andrew spat.  
“Then let me go,”  
“Fuck you,”  
Neil snorted and leaned back on his hands looking back out at the campus. They stayed like that, quiet, Andrew smoking and drinking, Neil lost in his thoughts. Neil lived in his head, always, he was alone in a crowded room. Alone when he was surrounded, but did Neil want that now? For the first time in his life Neil didn’t want to be alone. He wasn’t ready to share it with everyone, he wasn’t ready to show his teammates who he was really. But Andrew? Every truth he gave Andrew, he took without question.  
Andrew was the unmoving force next to him, holding Neil up when he couldn’t stand on his own. The constant in his corner, a one man barricade between him and anything that would hurt him. Neil hoped he could repay him somehow, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t know how to ask what he could do to help.  
He thought he was helping when he spent Christmas in Evermore, but Andrew was still hurt in the hospital. Andrew took it, he never asked for help. It drove Neil crazy. He wanted to shake Andrew and tell him he wasn’t alone. He had Nicky, who would do anything for him, he had Kevin who wanted to give him a future, in a way he had Aaron, and Andrew had Neil. He hoped Andrew knew that.  
They all had Neil, in some way, all the Foxes. He hadn’t meant for it to happen. He hadn’t meant to learn the little things about them, Nicky’s favorite color, Dan’s favorite song. It just happened. He never felt like he belonged. Never felt like these people could possibly know the real him. The one he hid.  
“I never had a home,” Neil said not meaning to say it out loud. “I never fit, until here. I never had people who just wanted to know me with no strings attached. I’m not good at it. I don’t know how to be a friend. I don’t mean to lie, it just happens. I don’t even know who I am anymore, but this place, the Foxes, they don’t care. They just want me around.” Neil looked at Andrew, who was blinking back at him. “They’d want you too.”  
“I don’t need them,”  
“Maybe,” Neil said. “Maybe they need you.”  
Andrew snorted and took another drink.  
“I need you,” Neil added very softly.  
Andrew was quiet, but still, Neil knew he heard, knew he had Andrew’s attention.  
“I’m not good at needing. I don’t do it well,” Neil said. “But needing you is easy, I let myself do it without even knowing I did, until you were gone. I won’t let that happen again Andrew. I won’t.” Neil expected Andrew to shoot back that he didn’t Neil to protect him, but he was quiet. Neil looked over at him. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to you sooner, in Columbia.”  
Andrew looked away blinking a bit quicker than normal. “Stop it,” he said his voice soft.  
“No,” Neil said. “You’ve kept every secret, you helped me, protected me, even from our teammates, even when you didn’t have too, you protected me. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you back. I will now, okay?”  
Andrew nodded, eyes darting around the campus in front of him. He didn’t speak, Neil didn’t think he could. That realization made Neil’s chest grow tight. He didn’t know the words were true until he said them. Now, Neil knew that Andrew, with all his edges, all the words that could cut, somewhere inside of him was just a boy. A boy that just wanted to be saved and Neil would do it, even if it killed him.


	7. Chapter 7

It was a Saturday when it happened, before a Columbia trip. Neil should have known just because the Raven fans were quieted that Riko wouldn’t stop. He should have known better. Kevin threw the bedroom door open and moved to Neil quickly, Neil wasn’t fast enough. He didn’t realize Kevin was angry with him until he was pressed against the wall, Kevin’s hand around his neck.  
“WHOA!” Nicky said in surprise.  
“Get off me,” Neil growled and gasped when the grip on his neck tightened.  
“Tell me it’s not true,” Kevin growled out in French.  
Neil gripped at Kevin’s wrist “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” He gasped out changing to French as well.  
Kevin leaned in and Neil froze. He grabbed Neil’s chin and turned his face this way and that. No. Neil struggled against him, but Kevin was too strong. He grabbed one of Neil’s hands and slammed it against the wall. It wasn’t his playing hand, Kevin knew better, but Neil still saw stars. He wasn’t sure if it was from the grip on his neck or the pain that shot up his arm.  
“Kevin what the fuck?” Aaron asked.  
Kevin looked down at Neil’s shirt looking as if he could see through it. Riko told him. He knew. Kevin knew who he was, he just didn’t believe it yet. Kevin let go of his wrist and pushed his hand up the bottom of Neil’s shirt.  
“NO!” Neil thrashed, he didn’t recognize his own voice. Didn’t recognize the desperation in it.  
Kevin leaned in, his knees pushing in Neil’s thighs keeping him still. Kevin’s fingers brushed against the binder and Neil wrenched at his arm panic consuming him.   
“Don’t touch me!”  
Suddenly, Kevin was gone and Andrew stood in front of him, back to Neil. Neil collapsed down the wall coughing and wheezing. He brought a hand up to his throat wincing at the pain.  
“Get out of my way,” Kevin snapped.  
Andrew hit him. Kevin stumbled back his hand coming up to his jaw. Andrew took a step towards him, but Neil reached out and took hold of Andrew’s pant leg, not touching him. He knew better than to touch him right now.  
“Andrew,” he wheezed out. Andrew stilled, but didn’t unclench his fists at his sides.  
After a moment, Andrew turned and crouched in front of Neil, turning his back on Kevin, like he wasn’t a threat at all. He took Neil’s chin in his hand and tipped his head back to look at his neck. The skin was hot and felt tight, it would bruise. He dropped his hand and looked at Neil, that same look he had on his face when he thought Drake had hurt Aaron.  
“No,” Neil said a hand coming up, but he didn’t touch Andrew. “Andrew no.” he said slowly, the pieces falling into place. He understood why Andrew was ready to kill Kevin for touching Neil. “It wasn’t like that, him touching me, it wasn’t like that. He—Riko told him, he wasn’t trying to—“ Neil couldn’t finish, not when Andrew was looking at him like that.  
“Told him what?” Nicky asked. “What the hell is going on?”  
Andrew looked over his shoulder at Kevin and stood slowly before turning back to Kevin. He moved closer, even though he was a foot shorter than Kevin, Andrew seemed to loom over him. “You touch him again like that and I will kill you.”  
“Like what?” Kevin asked then paled. “Andrew, no.” Kevin said putting his hands up. “I wasn’t trying to-“  
“You still did,” Andrew said his voice colder than Neil ever heard.  
“Neil,” Kevin said.  
Neil shrunk back against the wall and pulled his knees against his chest trying to block himself from Kevin. Kevin recoiled at the action, like his reaction hurt worse than Andrew’s punch.  
“Tell me you’re not-“  
“No,” Andrew cut Kevin off. “You don’t get to talk to him. Not right now.” Andrew turned to Neil “Get up.”  
Neil did hugging his middle, he didn’t trust himself to look at anyone but Andrew.  
“Let’s go,” Andrew said then held a hand up. “You three stay.” He said quickly. “Neil. Go.”  
Neil walked to the door and opened it. Andrew followed him out and shut the door behind them. He passed Neil in the hallway and led him down the stairs to the parking lot. He got into the car wordlessly, Neil followed. He didn’t know where they were going. He didn’t know what was happening, but Neil would follow Andrew anywhere.


	8. Chapter 8

Neil had been staring out the window for so long, lost in his thoughts, he didn’t realize they were in Columbia until Andrew pulled into the driveway of the house Nicky bought after Aaron’s mother died.  
“What are we doing here?” Neil asked.  
“Come inside or stay in here,” Andrew said “Those are you’re only options.” Then he got out and shut the door behind him. He walked into the house without looking back.  
Neil sat in the car for a very long time, he was lost. All he wanted to do was run. To run away and never look back. Kevin knew. Riko told and Kevin knew who he was.  
It was a memory that Neil didn’t like to think of. Didn’t want to think of. Riko, younger with a marker drawn 1 on his cheek, Kevin beside him, 2 on his cheek. Riko was swinging his racket telling Neil…. Natalie then… that he was going to be the best Striker the world had ever seen.  
Natalie listened, in awe of the exy court surrounding them. She hadn’t never been in a real court before. She’d seen them, she played in outside little league fields, but she never stepped foot in an actual court.  
“I don’t know if you’ll be good enough,” Riko said.  
“Why not?” She asked  
“You’re a girl,”  
“No I’m not,” She said.  
“Yes you are,” Riko snorted looking her over.  
“No, I’m a backliner,” Natalie said “I’m an Exy player.”  
“Still a girl.”  
“My mother was a girl,” Kevin said. “She invented Exy.”  
Riko said something quick and mean in Japanese and Kevin shrank back.  
“Pretend I’m not a girl if you don’t want me to be.” Natalie said.  
“What do I call you then?” Riko asked  
“My dad calls me Jr.”  
Riko laughed. Kevin laughed. Natalie laughed, even though they were laughing at her.  
Later, Natalie stood next to Kevin and Riko as her father tore a man apart. They were stone faced next to her. Natalie pretended what it would be like to be a boy to distract herself. She thought what her name would be. She wondered if she’d look more like her father than she already did. With her auburn hair and bright blue eyes everyone said she was a Wesninski through and through. She looked nothing like her mother’s side. The more she knew her father the more she hated it.  
Natalie never went back to that stadium again. She never saw Riko or Kevin again. She never saw her home in Baltimore again. 

Neil walked into the house slowly, it was dark besides dim lamp light coming from the living room. Neil walked towards the light and stopped in the mouth of the kitchen when he saw Andrew, nose in a book, feet curled under him. He looked up and put the book against his knees.  
Neil came in and sat next to him, shoulders a breath apart. He wasn’t sure, but he thought he saw Andrew relax just a little now that he was inside. Andrew picked up the book again and began to read again, this time out loud. Neil rested his head back against the seat cushion behind him and closed his eyes. It wasn’t alright, maybe it wouldn't be for a long time, but right now? Right now was just fine.


	9. Chapter 9

Kevin met Neil and Andrew at the Foxhole Court Sunday evening. Neil was nervous, he didn’t know what he’d say or what excuse he could give Kevin. He didn’t know what to do, every time the car came to a stop Neil contemplated jumping out. Disappearing. Never thinking of Kevin Day again.   
Andrew knew. Of course he did. He’d turn his eyes on Neil when he slowed and kept an eye on him until he moved again. Neil was trapped and they both knew it. Andrew turned off the car and looked at Neil when they arrived at the stadium. Andrew was waiting him out.  
“I don’t know what to say,” Neil said. “He met me once… before all of this.” He said motioning to himself.   
“How?”   
“Our families are connected. I don’t know how, but I met both of them when I was a kid.” Neil said. “He called me by my old name at the Christmas party. Riko did.”   
Neil should have ran then, but when he looked over at Andrew he knew he made the right choice. He couldn’t leaver Andrew in that place with that doctor.   
“I did things for Riko,” Neil said softly. “I did things to Riko for him not to tell Kevin and when Kevin trapped me, when he touched me it just all came back.”  
“No,” Andrew said flatly. He was staring out the windshield holding the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were white. “I’ll kill him. I’ll kill anyone who touches you.”   
Neil looked at Andrew slowly, he knew that was a promise. He knew Andrew would kill Riko if he had the chance. “I know.” Neil took a deep breath “Are you coming in?”   
Andrew opened his door wordlessly and Neil followed Andrew into the Foxhole Court. Kevin sat in the middle of the court on the Fox paws. Neil stopped at the door to the court, but Andrew kept walking, hands in his pockets, head tipped back. Neil sighed and followed.   
Kevin stood as they approached. “Neil I-“   
“This is how this is going to go,” Andrew cut him off. “You don’t touch him and he tells you the truth. If you touch him I’ll kill you,” he said to Kevin then turned to Neil “If you lie and waste our time I’ll kill you. Speak in English or I’ll kill both of you.”   
“I’m not going to touch anyone,” Kevin said. “I didn’t mean- I mean I didn’t realize how it would seem.”   
Neil looked away from him, but he nodded.   
“Are you really-“ Kevin faltered like he didn’t know how to say. “Are you Natalie? Are you Nathan’s child?”   
“I used to be,” Neil said softly.   
“Fucking Christ Neil,” Kevin sighed rubbing his face. “How?” He asked looking at him then his eyes went wide like he saw it. “Fuck me. How? I’ve seen you shave!”   
“I’m not hiding as a guy Kevin,” Neil said. “I am a guy. I’m trans.” He said softly his eyes dropping to the floor. Every time was just as hard. Every time he told someone there was a chance he wouldn’t understand.   
“That day,” Kevin said softly. “You told Riko you weren’t a girl.”   
“I’m not,” Neil spat out.   
“Riko knows who you are, who your family is,” Kevin said.   
“He knew at the Christmas Banquet,” Neil said. “He’s known for months, he promised me he wouldn’t tell you.”   
“And you believed him?” Kevin asked. “Are you stupid? He knows who you are!”   
“I know Kevin,” Neil snapped.   
“Why are you here?” Kevin asked.   
“Because I’m tired,” Neil admitted.   
“I can’t believe your mother would let you do this,” Kevin said.  
“She’s dead,” Neil said. “Before Milport. I thought that I could have this for just a while. I almost left when the Raven’s transferred, then I was going to leave before we played the Raven’s. Andrew promised he’d protect me. He knows that… our families run in similar circles.”   
Kevin glanced at Andrew then back at Neil. “They don’t run in similar circles Neil,” Kevin said. “Your father’s circle is inside the Moriyama’s circle.”   
“What do you mean?”   
Kevin sighed deeply and changed to French. “Your father work-“   
“No,” Andrew snapped. “English now.”   
“Andrew,” Kevin sighed.  
“It’s okay,” Neil said. “He knows what I know. Most of it.”   
“You are more stupid than I thought,” Kevin sighed. “This can get you killed, both of you.”   
“Who is my father to the Moriyama’s?” Neil asked.   
“Lord Moriyama’s right hand man,” Kevin said softly.   
“What?”   
“His enforcer, it’s how he got his nickname. The Butcher.” Kevin said slowly. “Lord Moriyama is his boss.”   
“No,” Neil shook his head. “He doesn’t have a boss.”   
“He does.” Kevin said. “Remember the day we met?”   
“Evermore,” Neil said softly.   
“You were a problem as a child. Children change things, Father’s want to pass down to their children, and the Moriyama’s don’t allow that. You were there to audition to become a Raven. Like me. You were going to be like me and Jean.”   
“What?”   
“First day you were going to play with us, learn our ways” Kevin said. “Second day you were going to be tested. If you passed you would move to Evermore. If you failed your father would have killed you.”   
“Did I pass?” Neil asked.   
“I don’t know,” Kevin said. “Your mother took you and ran before you could be tested.”  
“No,” Neil said. “No this isn’t right.”   
“You were supposed to be one of us. Riko thinks he owns you.”   
“He doesn’t own me!” Neil snapped.   
“He was supposed to,” Kevin said. “You were supposed to be a Raven.”   
“He told me I was going to transfer,” Neil said. “He tried to make me sign a contract.”   
“You’re not going anywhere,” Andrew growled.   
“I didn’t sign it,” Neil said. “He couldn’t make me.”   
“He can make you,” Kevin said.   
“No,” Neil said slowly. Neil was angry. He knew he would have made it. He would have become a Raven. He would have been with Riko and Kevin growing up. He would have had everything he ever wanted, but looking at Kevin he knew that he would have become just as broken as him. He would have hated that life too.   
“You should run,” Kevin said.   
“Run?” Neil asked.   
“You can’t stay here,” Kevin said.  
“Yes, I can,” Neil said.   
“Your father won’t be in jail forever.” Kevin said.   
“You said he was dead,” Andrew said.   
“I know, I lied,” Neil admitted.   
“Riko is trying to get you caught.” Kevin said.   
“I’m already caught,” Neil said softly. “I could stay or I could leave and die alone.”   
“You should be Court,” Kevin said softly, sadly almost.


	10. Chapter 10

Neil stood in front of the mirror in the tiny dorm bathroom. He turned to the side and smoothed his shirt down over his chest. The more and more people learned about him the more exposed he felt. He felt like everyone could see it. That everyone knew. The thought of it made his heart jump. He leaned into the mirror closer, his eyelashes were too long, eyes too blue, jaw not square enough. Everyone would know. He ran his hand over his chin, if his hair would just grow faster. Matt shaved all the time. Matt was tall with big shoulders. Neil was small, too small. His shoulders had grown a lot since he’d been with the Foxes. Wymack quietly ordered him new gear when he grew out of it, but God it wasn’t enough. He didn’t pass.   
He sat on the edge of the tub and pulled at his hair as he tried to control his breathing. Just breathe. It wasn’t real, it was in his head. No one could tell. He couldn’t get his breathing under control, his legs were going numb. He slowly slid down until he was sitting on the floor hugging his knees.   
He blinked when he heard someone say his name. He pulled his phone from his ear and blinked at the screen. Andrew’s name was on the screen, the call time at 30 seconds. He didn’t remember calling him. “Where are you?” He asked   
“Why?” Andrew asked.   
“I,” Neil pawed at his eyes, breath still hitching. “I can’t be here.”   
“Parking lot,” Andrew said then hung up.   
After a few minutes, Neil blindly got off the bathroom floor and went into his bedroom. He was glad Matt wasn’t there. He wouldn’t know how to explain himself. He pulled on the biggest sweatshirt he had, even though it was getting warm outside. He pulled the hood up over his head and went out to the parking lot.   
Andrew’s car wasn’t there, so he sat on the curb and waited, knees hugged to his chest, forehead against his knees. He didn’t hear Andrew pull up, but suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder. He lifted his head and blinked up at Andrew, eyes red.   
“What?” Andrew asked and crouched next to him. “Riko?”   
Neil shook his head and swallowed hard. “Bad day,” he managed.   
“C’mon,” Andrew grabbed his arm and hauled Neil to his feet. Neil blinked seeing Kevin waiting in Andrew’s car, a concerned look on his face. “Get in.” Andrew said as he rounded to the driver’s side.   
Neil climbed into the back, moving but unable to feel his body. He pulled his seatbelt on and leaned his head back closing his eyes. He woke up when the car stopped in a parking lot. He blinked looking out the window and realized they were at a car dealership. Kevin got out of the car.   
Andrew turned to face him. “Stay here or come with.”   
“I’ll stay,” Neil said, his voice hoarse. Andrew left the car idling and got out.   
The next time Neil opened his eyes there was an expensive looking black car next to the rental. Andrew opened Neil’s door and crouched down. Neil turned and looked at him automatically, he was so close, but Neil just stared at him. He watched the way the sun played with the golden flecks in his eyes, noticed a small scar over Andrew’s eyebrow, the freckles that danced across his cheeks.   
“You want Kevin to ride with you?” Andrew asked, his voice soft, meant only for Neil.   
Neil shook his head. Andrew watched him for a few more seconds before leaning into the car, closer to Neil. Neil swallowed hard. Andrew leaned over him and unbuckled Neil. “Follow me.”   
“Always,” Neil said softly. Andrew looked back into his eyes for a moment before standing and getting into his new car.   
Neil thought seeing the Foxhole Court after the long drive and dropping the rental off would be alright. He thought he’d be okay. He wasn’t. Instead of turning down the hall for the third floor Neil kept going up to the roof. When he was on the roof, Andrew right behind him, he took a deep breath. He filled his lungs with air but felt like he was still choking. He pulled at the front of his sweatshirt as he walked to their normal spot and sat down.   
Andrew handed him a cigarette. Neil took a long few drags. Neil looked back at Andrew, then at his outstretched hand. Andrew held a key out to him. His new car’s key. Neil froze.   
Andrew rolled his eyes and dropped the key between them. “A man can only have so many issues,”   
“You’re a foster kid,” Neil said. “You know it’s not.” He reached down and touched the key with a finger, it was still warm from Andrew’s body heat. “I haven’t had a home since Baltimore and that didn’t feel like a home. Just a place, but you gave me a key and called it home. You told me to stay.”   
Andrew pushed his face away. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not your answer and you sure the fuck aren’t mine.”   
“I’m not looking for an answer,” Neil said. “It’s just…” Neil thought about Abby holding him, about Wymack putting him back together on New Year’s Eve, he thought about Andrew looming, standing between him and Kevin. He thought about Andrew promising to kill anyone who touched him. “I’m home here. I’m home with you and I’m so fucking scared it’s going all go away.”   
“You’re an idiot,” Andrew said. “I hate you.” He flicked his cigarette away then grabbed Neil by the back of the neck and leaned in.   
Neil blinked not reacting to Andrew’s kiss for a few moments, then he leaned into it. The kiss was deep and full of want. Neil had never been kissed like this, never been kissed like he needed it, breathed from it. Neil brought a hand up and gripped at the front of Andrew’s sweatshirt.   
“No,” Andrew pulled away. “Stop it. I’m not doing this with you.”   
“What?” Neil asked in a daze.   
“You don’t want this.”   
“Andrew I’m fine,” Neil said and leaned in again.   
“No,” Andrew said. “This is a mental break down not a yes. I know the difference even if you don’t right now. Come back when it’s an actual yes.”   
Neil took a deep breath, his lips still on fire from Andrew’s kiss. He bopped their shoulders together with a smile.   
“Oh go away,” Andrew said.


	11. Chapter 11

Neil pressed his fingers to his lips, they buzzed from the memory Andrew’s kiss. He wanted it again. He wanted to feel Andrew’s tongue, feel the bite of his teeth. He didn’t know why Andrew was always on his mind until their lips touched. His whole body settled and he just thought ‘OH’ and something clicked into place.   
He didn’t understand it, but he craved it. He had always been apart from kids his age, he never had that urge of want. He didn’t date, he didn’t kiss under the bleachers. He just didn’t want too. He didn’t understand why people wanted to. He didn’t understand the pull.   
Neil suspected with Andrew it had been something that built slowly. It started when Andrew said he’d protect Neil from his past, grew when Andrew learned his secret and didn’t bat an eye, expanded when Andrew loomed over him when he felt dysphoric and bloomed when Andrew told him to stay. Neil wanted and he wasn’t used to that. He ran on need. He needed to leave, he needed to be male, he needed to feel safe. Now he wanted and he didn’t know what to do with that.   
He knew that Andrew had layers and walls that Neil couldn’t even begin to understand, but he hoped one day he would. He hoped that Andrew would let his walls down just enough for Neil to step through, even if it just closed up around the both of them after.   
On top of that want, Neil was scared. He was different. He didn’t understand himself, how could Andrew? He didn’t match what he saw in the mirror, even if he was starting to. He was awkward in his own skin, he didn’t do well with close attention. His whole life he survived on blending in and now Andrew was learning every secret he had. Neil understood Andrew’s walls and he tried, he really did, but Neil could feel his own walls closing up around him. He told himself he was content with watching Andrew, with the moments that Andrew turned his eyes towards him and held their gaze before looking away. He told himself that was enough. Every time Andrew stood next to him, shoulders barely touching he screamed to himself it was enough.   
His self-control lasted until one evening when he was alone in his room. Kevin was drunk, mad at him for something he said to the press and Matt was out with Dan. Neil was surprised at the knock at the door. He opened it and blinked at Andrew, after a moment he moved out of the way and Andrew walked in and went to the fridge. He stole one of Matt’s beers and popped the tab, then turned and looked at Neil.   
Neil kept his distance, not trusting himself, but he watched. Oh how he watched. He wanted to run his lips over Andrew’s cheekbones. He wanted to run his fingers down his neck and dance his fingers over his collar bone. For once, Neil wanted Andrew’s hands on him too. Neil shied away from touch. He didn’t want to give anything away, but right now? Neil would let Andrew touch him.   
As if on cue Andrew pushed himself off the counter and walked towards him. Neil suddenly realized this was the first time they’d been alone since their kiss on the roof nearly a week ago. It brought a new weight to the silence between them. Neil pressed his back against the wall and just let his eyes wander as Andrew came close.   
Andrew put his hands on the wall near Neil’s head and leaned in. Instead of kissing Neil he let his nose run down Neil’s jaw to his neck. Neil breathed out slowly and let his eyes close, just like that Andrew had permission to do what he wanted.   
“Yes or no?” Andrew asked his lips close to Neil’s ear.   
“Yes,” Neil breathed out.   
The lips on his neck caused Neil to shiver. He reached up to touch Andrew, but Andrew caught his wrist. He gently brought his hand back to the wall near his head, fingers still on Neil’s pulse point on his wrist. After another minute of Andrew’s lips and teeth on him Neil reached with his other hand needing something. Andrew pressed that hand against the wall as well.   
He pulled back eyes searching Neil’s. “Don’t touch me, not yet.” Andrew said. Neil nodded and then Andrew leaned in and kissed him.  
Neil clenched his hands into fists still being held near his head on the wall. He leaned into the kiss, chased after it. He hated the two inches between their bodies, but was so grateful at the same time, Andrew against him would be too much. Andrew ran his hands up Neil’s wrists slowly, his fingers unwrapping Neil’s fingers. Andrew slowly intertwined their fingers and Neil held on to Andrew’s hands for all he was worth.   
His head was swimming and his lips burning by the time Andrew pulled away. Neil had to look away from Andrew’s gaze, he felt tore open, raw. Andrew bumped his nose against his jaw and kissed the corner of Neil’s mouth when his lips curled up into a small smile.


	12. Chapter 12

Neil never wanted to see Baltimore again. He never wanted to be in his father’s reach again. But kneeling in front of Andrew, arms wrecked, face in ruins, Neil felt like maybe life could start again, even if started in Baltimore again.   
He raised his eyes to Andrew’s slowly, afraid that the fragile need to having Andrew’s hands on him again was about to break. Andrew was angry. He was so angry, but he was angry for Neil. Neil’s shoulders relaxed. He leaned in and put his forehead against Andrew’s sternum. Andrew froze. Neil didn’t care. He knew Andrew wouldn’t hurt him, and Neil needed that contact. He needed to be grounded by Andrew.   
After a moment Andrew’s hand, the one not handcuffed to Wymack, was on the back of Neil’s head. Neil let out a slow shaky breath. His team was around him. Andrew and Wymack were in front of him.   
“They want to take me away,” Neil said.  
Andrew’s hand in his hair tightened, but he was silent.   
“I don’t want…” Neil trailed off. It wasn’t fair. He shouldn’t ask Andrew this. Andrew gave enough. Did enough. “I’ll go if you want me too.” He whispered.   
“You aren’t going anywhere,” Andrew said softly, his voice firm.   
“Going where?” Nicky asked from behind him. “Are we talking about going away to answer questions? Or going away for good?”   
“Both,” The FBI agent said.  
“Neil’s ours,” Nicky said.   
“Neil Josten doesn’t exist,” The FBI agent said. “Natalie is our only witness and he will have a lot of people after her.”   
Neil closed his eyes he tuned everyone out, everything out. The only thing he could hear was Andrew’s constant heart beat. It kept him sane. It kept him from losing it. It kept him from the last of him tearing apart. He needed to stay. He needed Andrew. He needed his teammates, Wymack, Abby. He needed them more than anything.   
Andrew’s other hand came to Neil’s shoulder. He was free of the handcuff. Neil looked up at him, glassy eyed. “Neil. You’re staying,” Andrew said softly.   
Neil he said. Even though he wasn’t Neil. Even though he was Natalie. He called him Neil.   
“Neil,” Wymack said. “What do you want?”   
“I can’t lose this,” Neil whispered. “I can’t lose any of you. I want to be Neil. I want to stay here.”   
“He’s staying,” Wymack said.   
Neil’s face crumbled, glad his back was to his teammates, it would be too much if they saw him break down. He leaned into Andrew again, this time Andrew’s arm wrapped around his neck, his chin on Neil’s head.   
Andrew didn’t let him out of his sight. Not when he answered questions in a small room with the FBI, not on the way home, not that night when they laid on the living room floor, their teammates all around them.   
He was Neil Josten. He had a passport that said so. He was Neil Josten forever. Andrew pretended he didn’t see Neil sob as he held the passport in his hands.   
Neil stayed awake as long as he could, his eyes on Andrew, Andrew’s eyes on Neil. He felt protected, safe. It was overwhelming and wonderful. A hand in his hair made Neil’s eyes close, relaxing.   
“Sleep,” Andrew whispered.


	13. Chapter 13

Neil woke the next morning sore, but safe. Andrew was already awake, still next to him. The Foxes decided on lunch at one of the diners close to campus, so they all started their day, slowly from the late night.  
“We have to talk about this,” Kevin said, voice low, in French. “Riko won’t be happy.”  
Neil sighed and looked at Matt, not even twelve hours before he promised he was done lying. Matt had gently put his hand on Neil’s shoulder and said ‘You’re still Neil. You’re Neil.’ And Neil’s heart had felt so big that he thought it would burst. He couldn’t talk in a language Matt didn’t understand, he’d keep his promises.  
“Can he do anything about it?” Neil asked in English. “Andrew said our feud is too public.”  
“They took what didn’t belong to them,” Kevin said slowly, in English.  
“I don’t belong to anyone,” Neil said. “Neither do you.”  
“It’s not that simple,” Kevin sighed.  
“It is,” He said. “We just have to stand our ground.”  
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kevin growled.  
“Andrew’s right,” Matt said causing Kevin and Neil to turn to him. “Whatever is going on between you guys and Riko is too public. Especially with… everything now.”  
“You don’t know the lengths he’ll go,” Kevin said.  
“I do,” Neil said. “And now is the time that we need to stand together and show him we don’t belong to him. So I think you should take that thing off your face.”  
“Don’t be stupid.”  
“Allison will give you the money,” Neil said. “She offered it to me and now I don’t need it.”  
“Oh for sure,” Matt said.  
“I hate both of you,” Kevin said and stalked out.  
A moment later Andrew walked through the open door, garbage bags, tape and scissors in hand. He sat on Neil’s blanket in the middle of the floor and waited. Neil went to him and sat in front of him one Matt went into the bedroom. Andrew poked a hand up Neil’s sweatshirt.  
“I don’t have… anything under this,” Neil said softly.  
Andrew pulled his hand out and waited as Matt walked into the bathroom. Once he heard the shower cut on he turned back to Neil and motioned for him to take his shirt off.  
Neil hesitated and pulled his lower lip into mouth eyes on Andrew. He would be completely exposed if he did this. He had nothing to hide under. In the months Andrew and him had been kissing, he had Andrew’s hands on him, over the binder from time to time, but nothing like this. There would be no hiding that Neil wasn’t who he said.  
Andrew sighed and leaned over grabbing the bottom of Neil’s shirt. “I don’t care.” Andrew said as if he could read his thoughts.  
He lifted Neil’s shirt slowly giving Neil time to lift his aching arms. Andrew kept his eyes on Neil’s face. When his shirt was off Andrew gave Neil time to cross his arms over his chest. Neil leaned a bit down onto his legs taking deep breaths, his mind screaming to run.  
Andrew’s fingers in his hair made him sigh. Andrew would wait for him, Neil knew that. “Don’t hate me” Neil whispered.  
“I already hate you,” Andrew said. “This won’t change anything.”  
Neil snorted and took a few more deep breaths. He sat up slowly his arms still over his chest.  
Andrew took one of his arms gently letting Neil leave the other to cover himself. He worked as if Neil was just another body in front of him, disconnected and methodical, he didn’t draw attention to anything Neil was uncomfortable with and that made Neil’s shoulders relax. When Andrew was done with his arms he took the blanket and held it to Neil’s front. Neil lifted his arms careful of the bags and Neil tucked it under his armpits to hide his chest. Neil fully relaxed as Andrew started to put pieces of the plastic bag on his face to cover his injuries.  
Matt walked out of the shower and glanced at them, changed with a comb in his hand. “Come over to the girl’s room when you’re ready,” He said.  
“Okay,” Neil said hugging his chest a bit more. Once Matt walked out of the room Neil got up and headed towards the bathroom, when Andrew didn’t follow he let the blanket drop. For a moment he stood there contemplating how difficult this would all be.  
Fingers on his back made him jump. Andrew brushed past him, shoes and armbands off and turned the shower on, he tested the water and turned to Neil. Neil had his arms loosely over his chest. Andrew kept his eyes on Neil’s face as he closed the distance between them. He put his hands gently on Neil’s waist band. “Yes or no?”  
Neil took a deep breath and closed his eyes. After a moment he nodded. He kept his eyes closed as Andrew pulled his pants off. He could feel the panic welling up inside of him, ready to burst, but then there was a hand in his hair. There was a forehead against his. Neil took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  
After his breathing calmed, Andrew guided him into the shower. Neil let the water run over him. He tipped his head back into the water and let it run over him. He opened his eyes when he felt someone in front of him. He opened his eyes and saw Andrew, clothed still, standing in front of him, water running over him.  
Andrew took him by the shoulders and gently turned him so Neil’s back was to him and Neil relaxed. Andrew washed his hair gently pausing only to run his lips over Neil’s shoulder blade. By the time Andrew stared to wash Neil’s body, he had worked Neil down from a panic attack with soft touches of his hands and his lips. Andrew did what he could with Neil’s back to him, but eventually he turned Neil towards him.  
When Neil sucked in a breath Andrew nosed his jaw line gently. Neil sighed and let his eyes close. Andrew’s kisses were soft and calming, but soon they were harder and a bit more desperate. Andrew ran his fingers down his stomach slowly and Neil shivered leaning against the cool tiles of the shower. Andrew’s hands were soft, running fingers over his stomach, his pelvis, his thighs. When Andrew’s hand moved between Neil’s legs, Neil gasped and tried not to tense.  
“You’re all man to me,” Andrew whispered into his shoulder then turned his head and nipped at Neil’s ear. “Neil,” he whispered.  
Neil gave into Andrew’s touches, breathing hard. No one had ever touched him here like this. Andrew was gentle, his strokes slow. Neil’s breath caught and he pushed his hips into Andrew just a little. He groaned when Andrew’s lips attached to his neck and Neil was lost. He was lost to everything but Andrew. His body screamed for him. He brought a plastic covered hand up to the back of Andrew’s head and held on as the fire consumed him.  
He panted, his forehead against Andrew’s shoulder after. His legs were shaky. Andrew’s hands were on his hips keeping a small gap between their bodies. “Do you want-“  
“Shuddap,” Andrew said.  
“You can’t go back like that,” Neil said and turned his head to kiss up his neck. Andrew shivered one hand moving from Neil, the other gripping at his hip. Neil moved his kisses up to Andrew’s mouth and Andrew groaned in to it. He wrapped his arms loosely around Andrew’s neck keeping him there as they kissed. After a moment Andrew’s breath hitched and his grip on Neil’s hip hardened. Neil hummed into the kiss.  
Andrew pulled his lips away and rested his cheek on Neil’s shoulder his body shuddering.  
“Andrew,” Neil whispered encouraging him.  
They stayed like that until Andrew stilled. He lifted his head and put his hand back under the water stream before looking up at Neil. Neil watched him back, eyes soft, body still relaxed.  
“You’re a mess,” Andrew said.


	14. Chapter 14

Neil curled into the covers a bit tighter. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to have everything stop. He knew it wouldn’t. He thought after, he beat his father, after he was promised protection, after they won championships things would stop. It didn’t.   
The press didn’t stop after Riko ‘committed suicide’, they were everywhere. Campus police did everything they could, but in two weeks school would be out for the summer and the Foxes wouldn’t have any protection.   
“Hey,”   
Neil looked up at Andrew leaning against the doorframe.   
“You getting up?”  
“No,” Neil said. He curled back up into the blankets and pulled them over his head.   
“Drama Queen,” Andrew said.   
A moment later the covers were pulled off of Neil.   
“We have to talk,” Andrew said.   
“No,”   
“Neil,” Kevin said.  
Neil sighed deeply. He sat up and rubbed his face. “I’m up.”   
“They know,” Kevin said.   
“Know what?” Neil yawned.   
“About you,”   
Neil looked up at Kevin then at Andrew slowly. Neil’s heart stopped in his chest. He could do nothing but stare at Andrew.   
“We don’t know how they found out,” Kevin said.   
Neil could hear his heart beat in his ears, he was on the brink of a panic attack. He couldn’t feel his hands and his legs twitched. He wanted to run. He had to run. This couldn’t be happening.   
A hand on the back of his neck pulled Neil from his thoughts and his breath caught in his throat. Andrew pushed his head down to bend him over.   
“Breathe,” Andrew said.   
Neil let out a shaky breath his hands gripping at the blanket over his legs.   
“It’s okay Neil,” Kevin said.   
“Nothing about this is okay,” Neil panted out. No one would take him seriously now. No professional team would want him. He wanted to cry and scream and run and hold on as tight as he could, but all he could do was laugh. It started low, then it turned manic and loud.   
“Is he broken?” Nicky asked.   
“Shut up,” Aaron said. “He’s losing his mind. Let him do it. It’ll be hilarious.”   
“This can’t be happening,” Neil said into his knees.   
“But it is,” Kevin said.   
“We have to get in front of the story,” Allison said.   
“Jesus is everyone here?” Neil groaned.   
“How are we going to get in front of the story?” Dan asked.   
“Kevin do you have another father you want to announce to the press?” Matt asked.   
“Kevin are you a girl?” Aaron asked.   
“Fuck off,” Neil ground out. “I am not-”   
“Aaron was that really appropriate?” Renee’s gentle voice asked.   
Andrew pulled Neil upright and caught him by his chin. Neil calmed when they were eye to eye. Neil watched him, the rest of the team’s chatter fading out. His whole body screamed Andrew Andrew Andrew. He wished it could just be this. Just them.   
Nothing else mattered when he was under Andrew’s gaze. He was the man he wanted to be, the man he knew he should have been, the man Andrew thought he was.   
“He’s going to tell the truth,” Andrew said.   
“I am?” Neil asked  
“He is?” Kevin asked  
“When he’s ready,” Andrew said.  
“No one talk to the press about it,” Dan said. “This is Neil’s story to tell.”   
Nicky sat on the floor next to the bed and put his arm on it, chin resting near his elbow. “You okay?”   
“No,” Neil said.   
“Do you want us to leave?” Renee asked.   
“No,” Neil said. “You’re my family.” He admitted softly.   
“Always,” Dan said.


	15. Chapter 15

“What do you want to do about this, Neil?” Wymack asked the first day of summer break. They had a month off. A month away from the Exy Court, Neil doubted he’d be off it much though. They had one month before they could move back into the dorms and they’d start summer practice. Neil knew this was going to be the longest month of his life.   
“About what?” Neil asked.   
“Don’t play coy with me Josten,”  
Neil wanted to ignore it. To just pretend his birth name wasn’t leaked to the press. He wanted to be Neil Josten. He was stupid to think that this could work. That he could be Neil, starting striker for the Foxes and have it just be that. Now he was the Trans striker. The child of a dead mobster. He hated it. He just wanted-   
He just wanted.   
Wymack wouldn’t let him hide. He never let any of his players hide. He taught them to stand strong in the storm and not blink, but he would give his players time. Neil wanted time. He needed time.   
“I don’t know,” Neil admitted.   
“We could spin it our way,” Wymack said. “Diversity and all that.”   
“I don’t want to be a token player,” Neill frowned.   
“You won’t be,” he said. “Not to us, but sometimes these things are out of our hands. I wish I could protect you from this Neil. I hate that you were outed like this, but I can’t. What’s done is done and now we have to think about what to do about it.”   
Neil rubbed his face his legs bouncing in his chair. All he could think was RUN. GO. RUN NOW.   
“But we will give you time,” Wymack said like he could read Neil’s running thoughts. “I’ve already told the press you were off campus for the summer, but if you want to avoid this for a while you have to keep your head down. Stay out of sight. You aren’t to go anywhere on your own you hear me? Be with Andrew or Kevin, hell even Nicky, but if I hear you are by yourself and mouth off and say something you’ll regret to the press I’ll make you run so many marathons next year you won’t have legs. You got me?”   
“Yes Coach,”   
“Good.” Wymack said. “Now get out of here.” He said and looked back down at his papers. “Neil,” Wymack said when he got to the door. “I’m proud of you.”   
Neil blinked back at Wymack his throat closing and his chest feeling tight. He gave Wymack a stiff nod and walked out tears momentarily blinding him as he walked from the locker room. He took a deep breath once he was out in the hallway and leaned against the wall.  
It didn’t take long for him to realize he wasn’t alone and he looked up to see Andrew leaning against the wall further down the hall towards the door. Neil smiled just a little. He pushed off the wall when he was ready and moved to stand in front of Andrew.   
“Mine for the summer?” Andrew asked   
“Looks like it,” Neil shrugged.   
“Come on,”   
“Where are we going?” Neil asked.   
“Dropping Nicky at the airport then we’re going to Columbia,” Andrew said over his shoulder


	16. Chapter 16

Neil stared down at his arms, his back against the headrest of Andrew’s bed in Columbia. It was getting easier to look at the scars. Easier not to sink into panic when he ran his fingers over the red angry bumps. Andrew and Neil matched, in a way. Both had their stories written across their bodies in scars. Neil’s given to him, Andrew’s given by his own hand. Neil once said he didn’t understand suicide to Andrew, he was so stupid.   
He saw it now in little things, saw the way Andrew’s glazed over eyes meant he was fighting inside himself, that that he wasn’t paying attention. He saw the tension in Andrew’s shoulders when he wanted something, but didn’t know how to take it and couldn’t ask. He saw when Andrew was stressed he’d dig his fingers into his arm band like he could pierce the flesh below.   
“Do you still do it?” Neil asked.  
“Do what?” Andrew asked his eyes closed next to Neil.  
“Hurt yourself?” Neil asked. He watched Andrew closely. “Andrew,” he wanted to say please, but Andrew hated that word. Hated when it implied.   
Andrew kept his eyes closed as he peeled off an arm band and held his bare arm out to Neil. White scars crisscrossed his wrist, his forearm, along with a few more recent lines, still red. Then there it was, what Neil suspected, small pinch bruises with one angry red scabbed line across his wrist.   
That one small wound hurt more than anything hurt Neil had ever had. Neil held his face very still as he gently took the back of Andrew’s wrist into his hand. Andrew didn’t pull away, but he tensed. Neil bit his lip so hard he tasted blood.   
Andrew’s arm was a tale of a man who was fighting a battle within himself. A man who most days won, but also a man who lost, who lost way more than he should. Neil brought his lips down slowly and kissed over the small bruises, over the cut, over the scars. He went gentle and slow, he didn’t want to scare Andrew away. He didn’t want Andrew to pull away, not here, when they were alone.   
“Stop,” Andrew said, but his voice was soft, just above a whisper.   
“When did you do this?” He asked  
“Does it matter?”   
“Maybe,” Neil said and looked up at Andrew.   
“Don’t,” Andrew warned. “Jesus stop, with the look.” He grabbed Neil by the back of his neck and pulled him down so he was resting on Andrew’s chest.   
Neil wrapped an arm around Andrew’s waist and took a shuddering breath. He felt gutted, like he had been torn from the inside. He closed his eyes tightly and listened to Andrew’s heartbeat. His stupid, reckless, self-loathing heart that Neil loved more than he could ever possibly say.   
“Baltimore,” Andrew said.   
“What?”   
“The healed ones,” Andrew said. “I did them in Baltimore before…” He trailed off. He didn’t need to say any more.   
Neil swallowed trying to push down the emotion that came with that admission. He held Andrew a little tighter. “The other one?”   
“A distraction,”   
“It doesn’t hurt after,” Andrew said softly. “It’s like all the anger, all the pain, it comes out in the blood and then I’m just… I don’t expect you to understand.”   
“Don’t anymore?” Neil asked. “Ple- Andrew don’t do this anymore.”   
“Are you crying?”   
“No,” Neil swallowed. Almost. He was barely hanging on, but he pushed past the sting in his eyes. Neil pushed himself up onto his elbow and looked down at Andrew. He looked so beautiful in the soft light of the room. “Will you try?”   
“Why do you care?” Andrew asked.  
“This hurts me,” Neil said. “It hurts more than anything, more than losing my mother, more than being born in the wrong body, this hurts more.“ he put his hand over Andrew’s other still covered arm “This hurts me because I love you.”   
Neil knew the moment he said it, he went too far. He said too much. Andrew’s face became cold and he pushed Neil away and got off the bed.   
“Andrew,”   
“You don’t,” Andrew snapped.   
“I do,”   
“What do you think this is?” Andrew asked. “Do you think we’re going to ride off into the sunset together? That I’m going to save you? You’ll save me? I don’t need you to save me. I don’t need anything.”   
“That’s not what this is,”   
“This is nothing,” Andrew said. “You are nothing.”   
“This is not nothing,” Neil said through gritted teeth “And you know it.”   
“I’ll tell you what I do know,” Andrew said, a cruel smile coming to his face. “People want answers from you. What are you going to do Neil? The truth is out and there’s nowhere for you to hide. You can’t hide behind Exy anymore, you can’t hide behind hair dye or binders. Everyone knows who you are. Do you think they’ll still want you on the court? Do you think I want you? You are nothing but an idea, you’re not a person! You’re not even a guy!”   
Neil flinched at Andrew’s words. He almost wished Andrew just pulled a knife and stabbed him, he thought it would have hurt less. He blinked at the man in front of him, the one he thought was on his side. The one who kept his secrets, the one who still kissed him and protected him and fought for him. He didn’t expect this from Andrew, maybe that’s why it hurt so much.   
He tried to keep his face neutral, to take what Andrew said and store it away until he was alone and could feel it then, but he cracked and a tear fell from his eye onto his cheek. He didn’t try to stop the tears that followed, but he did have the decency to look away. He didn’t look up when Andrew opened the bedroom door and slammed it behind him, his footsteps disappearing down the steps.


	17. Chapter 17

It was late when Andrew came back to the house in Columbia. Neil was curled up on the couch, his back to the room. He froze when he felt Andrew sit on the couch in front of his legs. He was quiet, just sat, his back barely touching Neil’s legs.  
After Andrew left, Neil had stared at himself in the mirror of the bathroom, hating himself, hating his life. Hateful tears were shed, Andrew’s words in his head. He almost left, twice. He made it as far as leaving the key to the house on the table with his hand on the door knob. He was too weak to leave, too scared to be on his own again.  
He hated how much he depended on his team, hated how much he depended on Andrew. Andrew who thought he wasn’t even…  
Neil knew he surprised Andrew. He knew Andrew hated surprises. Andrew lashed out. He knew that. The words still hurt. The wound spread deep in his chest and even though he said over and over to himself that Andrew didn’t mean it, it didn’t stop the black edges of doubt to slip into Neil’s skin and take hold.  
It didn’t take long for Neil to fall asleep with the heat of Andrew’s back pressing into his legs and when he awoke Andrew was still there. He rolled onto his back careful of Andrew’s space and blinked at him, trying to focus on him.  
Andrew didn’t look at him, he had his elbows resting on his knees, hood of his black sweatshirt up over his head. Neil was surprised he was still there. Surprised he didn’t sleep. Neil sat up pulling his legs away from Andrew. Normally silence from Andrew didn’t bother him, this morning, it made Neil’s veins light on fire. He didn’t expect an apology from Andrew, he didn’t expect anything, it’s how Neil lived his life. He was surprised at the sting of it from Andrew though. He had let his guard down and got burned. He wouldn’t make that mistake again.  
Eventually Neil got up, he didn’t look at Andrew as he walked into the bathroom. He had a toothbrush there, he had clothes in Andrew’s closet. He thought about packing them up. He thought about running when they got back to campus. He thought about calling Wymack and asking for a ride home.  
Home.  
Was it a home? It was more of a home than he ever had before. He had friends, more than friends, he had a family. He had a family. Neil kept telling his reflection that he had a home. A family. A future. Andrew didn’t need to be a part of that.  
God that hurt.  
“Do not run,” Neil said to his reflection. “You get into Andrew’s car and you go home. You have a home.”  
Neil ignored Andrew as he puttered in the kitchen and walked out the door, overnight bag slung over his shoulder. He unlocked the car door and crawled into the passenger seat to wait Andrew out. The car smelled like smoke and Andrew. It made his eyes burn with memories. He hated that he was so hurt by this. Hated that one person could cut him so deep.  
It didn’t take long for Andrew to come out and get into the car. Neil could feel his eyes on him but he looked out the window, his head back against the headrest.  
Andrew didn’t apologize.


	18. Chapter 18

Neil threw himself into practicing with Kevin during break. He pushed himself to near exhaustion, he knew it wasn’t enough. The new recruits would be here in a few weeks. He had a lot to prove. He was Vice Captain, he’d take over for Dan next year when she graduated. It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough, because he wasn’t enough.  
No one noticed that Neil and Andrew weren’t talking, they didn’t talk much when they were… well whatever they were before. Andrew didn’t practice with them at night, Kevin only questioned once. It had been a two weeks, without a word spoken between Andrew and Neil. Neil felt like he was breaking apart.  
Before Andrew he was used to being a step apart from everyone, then slowly, little by little he had grown to depend on Andrew. Mentally and physically. He had grown to feel better just having Andrew next to him, even if they weren’t touching. He had grown to need that grounding hand on the back of his neck, the sweet kisses, the late night talks.  
Now he was lonely. Lonelier than he had ever been. He felt like he didn’t have a place if it wasn’t next to Andrew. He hated it. He had spent his whole life without Andrew and in one year, one God Damned year Andrew had broken through every barrier he had and made him want what he knew he couldn’t have.  
Neil couldn’t blame Andrew, not really. Andrew never actually made promises to him. It was Neil who kept saying whatever that was between them meant something. Andrew fought him on it, Neil just didn’t listen. Andrew was the first bright spot in his life and he clung to it. He knew that Andrew’s light was fleeting, that it wouldn’t last forever. Andrew had told him from the start he hated him. Told him from the start that what they had was nothing. Neil just hoped that maybe there was something more. Something underneath Andrew’s silence, something in that firm hand that could hold him up.  
But maybe that’s all Andrew ever had to give and when Neil asked for more he broke and he couldn’t do it. Neil was too much for Andrew and it wasn’t his father, it wasn’t Riko that was too much. It was Neil himself. He should have listened.  
Every night as he slept on Wymack’s couch, before the dorms were open, he thought about running. He had it planned. How he’d get to the bus station, how much it would cost to get him out of South Carolina, where he’d leave his phone so Andrew would find it and know he was gone.  
Neil got to the bus station once. He sat and watched people come and go, come and go, come and go. Then he went back to the stadium and ran until he couldn’t feel his legs. Neil decided to take it one step at a time. To do one thing a day to prove that he was alive. He sat on Wymack’s roof and stared up at the sky. He decided on a major. He returned Matt’s phone call. He beat his personal best time on a mile. He said something nice to Katelyn. These little things, these little decisions were practice for bigger ones.  
Three days after they moved into the dorm Neil sat in Wymack’s office waiting for him to get off the phone.  
“How’s the dorm?” Wymack asked when he hung up.  
“It’s fine,” Neil said. “I want to come clean.”  
“Come again?”  
“To the press,” Neil said. “I want to live my truth, be me. I can’t do this if I’m not truthful to myself. I’m tired of hiding.”  
“A month ago you nearly had a heart attack at the thought,” Wymack frowned. “What changed?”  
“Everything?” Neil asked. “Me? I want to be done running. I’m still- I think about it- even after everything this place has given me, even after everything you’ve given me, I want to run. I don’t want to anymore. I’m not okay with myself, but I think that if I actually own who I am, it will help.”  
“It has to be controlled Neil,” Wymack said. “I can’t do a press conference with a clear conscience. I feel like it will go wrong, you’ll get back questions.”  
“What do we do then?”  
“We do something that can’t be manipulated,” Wymack said. “You control it.”  
“How?”  
“I want you to make a video,” Wymack said. “Post it or whatever you kids call it. Speak your truth, if you show them half of what your face says right now I know that they’ll understand you. They’ll be on your side.”  
“Is that okay?”  
“Okay with who?” Wymack asked. “The board? Fuck them. This is about you.”


	19. Chapter 19

Neil sat in the bathroom, on the floor, Kevin’s lap top propped up in front of him. He could do this. Just speak his truth. He had been lying his whole life, his truth was… hard. He pressed record and stared at himself in the box that popped up for a moment. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out before he looked up at the camera.   
“Hi, I’m uh, Neil Josten, I’m a Fox at Palmetto State University. I feel stupid… I never wanted to do anything other than play Exy. It was a dream of mine since I was a kid and I thought I’d never be able to do it. Now that I’m here, the kid I was back then, seems so far away.   
“There are a lot of things that you don’t know about me, the biggest part is the reason why I’m here. I shouldn’t have to do this, I shouldn’t have been- Fuck, okay listen. A year ago if this happened I would have ran, I would have just left and never looked back, never stepped foot on the court again and I’d just be gone, but now? I have reasons to stay. I’ve never wanted to stay so much before, I’ve never been given a key and told to stay.  
“I’ve always hated myself, I was always wrong, always wanting something more than I was and I came to a place where no one knew me and it was amazing. It was like I could breathe for the first time in my life. I still had a secret, but I didn’t feel wrong anymore. Slowly, my team found out, some on purpose, some on circumstance, but none of them treat me any different. They accepted my truth, they showed me I was the same kid I was that first day.”  
“If I ever did this I wanted it to be on my terms, but it was taken away from me. I don’t know how people found out, but they did. I am so fucking scared, but not that people know. I’m afraid everything that I love will be taken away. It shouldn’t be taken away, not just because I’m--- not just because I’m Trans.   
“So there it is. There’s my big secret. It doesn’t feel better saying it. It feels like a sucker punch. It feels forced, because it was, but I am who I am. I’m still scared, I’m still dysphoric, but I think for the first time in my life, I think I’m going to be okay. I have a family. I have people I love, people I would do anything for and I’m starting to realize they’d do anything for me. I have someone that held me together on New Year’s Eve when all I want to do is shatter, someone to put me back together in every way I was broken, someone who never minded the cracks or the lies. Someone who I could lean against no matter what was weighing me down, someone who shrugged at every truth I gave. Someone I said too much too, but still sat there all night, just in case.   
“All of you are my family. Something I’ve never had and I never want to let it go. I know you’ll be there when I turn this thing off and that’s better than any other gift I’ve ever had. I don’t have the courage to say this to your face, but just know, I love you okay?”   
Neil stopped recording and before he could think twice on it, he uploaded the video. He watched it slowly upload, slowly show everything he was hiding. This was it. He had nothing to hide behind now. He felt free.


	20. Chapter 20

“Neil!” Nicky nearly yelled as he crashed into the dorm room, his phone clutched to his chest.  
Neil looked up from doing his homework and blinked. “Did someone die?”  
“Just my heart,” Nicky said. “Because I feel so much.”  
“What are you talking about?” Kevin asked.  
“It’s all over!”  
“What is?” Neil asked."What are you talking about?"  
“Your stupid beautiful face!” Nicky said. "Your video went VIRAL!"  
Neil paled. He had been avoiding all news after he made the video. He didn’t want to know if it was seen or not seen. He just wanted everything to be over with it.  
“Quick! Turn on ESPN,” Nicky said snapping at Kevin.  
Neil turned and blinked at the TV, his face stared back at him. Oh no. Oh no. He was sitting on the bathroom floor looking into the camera, God why did Neil think was a good idea?  
  
"It shouldn’t be taken away, not just because I’m--- not just because I’m Trans. So there it is. There’s my big secret…” his voice said back him  
  
“There you have it,” The announcer said interrupting Neil’s video. “Neil Josten, Sophomore Striker for The Palmetto State Foxes Exy team has come out as Trans.”  
“Now, the press did run with rumors of this not long after last year’s Championships,” The other announcer said. “Josten said his hand was forced, so who leaked it?”  
“Your guess is as good as mine,” the first announcer said.  
“How do we feel about this?” the second announcer asked.  
“Feel about what?” The first announcer asked. “The kid can play.”  
“Yeah but to be Trans…” the second announcer said.  
“Listen, Exy is a co-ed sport,” The first announcer said. “This isn’t about a woman in a man’s sport, or a man in a woman’s sport.”  
“I’m playing Devil’s Advocate here,” The second announcer said. “But his career could take a hit from this. There’s been so much drama around Josten and now this?”  
“Or it could boost his career,” The first announcer said. “Josten is the first transman Exy player that we know of. This could be- “  
Neil turned the TV off.  
“Hey!” Kevin and Nicky said at the same time.  
“I don’t want to hear anymore,” Neil said. “I can’t-“  
“Okay okay,” Nicky said holding his hands up “Whoa Little One.”  
“Don’t call me that,” Neil warned.  
“This is a big deal!” Nicky said. “It’s trending all over!”  
“It is?” Kevin asked. “What are they saying?”  
“That Neil is –amazing- and like ‘omg so brave’ and they are so proud of you,” Nicky said. “But not as proud as me because we are family.”  
“Alright Nicky,” Kevin said. “Tone it down.”  
“Oh, hey, heyyyy,” Nicky said coming over and putting an arm around Neil. “Don’t give me that look, its okay. This is a good thing.”  
“Do you want everyone talking about you being gay instead of your Exy game?” Neil asked.  
“I can’t hide my flame like you,” Nicky said. “I am loud and proud and everyone knows. I’m not ashamed and you shouldn’t be either. You don’t see Kevin being upset over him being bisexual do you?”  
“I’m not bisexual,” Kevin said.  
“He’s still in denial,” Nicky stage whispered. “Andrew!” Nicky bounced to the door as Andrew came in. “your boyfriend is like the hottest thing right now. If I were you I would get all up on that and claim it so no one else does. Not me! Just someone!” He added quickly.  
Andrew blinked at his cousin then at Neil then at Kevin. “Explain.” He said to Kevin.  
“Neil’s video is all over,” Kevin said. “ESPN did a spot on it.”  
Andrew looked back to Neil. Neil just looked back, he was sure his nerves were obvious. Sure that Andrew, despite their fallout, knew everything that was going through him.  
Andrew nodded.  
“That’s it?” Nicky asked. “I don’t know why I bother with you! I’m going to find Matt, he’ll appreciate this.”


	21. Chapter 21

Neil spent the rest of the night hiding in his room, Andrew for the most part kept everyone out. Even after everything Andrew was still playing his protector. Neil ventured out from hiding his bunk to brush his teeth. He couldn’t look at himself, still, after having his natural hair and eyes for almost a year, it still hurt. He didn’t care about the scars, not really, but looking so much like his father always sent a chill down his spine.   
Neil turned when he saw someone in the open doorway of the bathroom and blinked at Andrew, his toothbrush still hanging from his mouth.   
“Almost done,” Neil said around his toothbrush. He spit in the sink and finished up, but Andrew still just stood there.   
Neil sighed and turned his back on Andrew to wipe the water from his face on a towel hanging over the shower. He froze when he felt the familiar press of Andrew’s forehead into the back of his neck. He closed his eyes, the tension falling away from his shoulders. He swallowed hard, confused how such a simple thing could ease him so much. But that was just it, from Andrew, this was not simple. Neil stood very still, eyes closed, head hanging, breathing Andrew in, relishing the heat of him.   
“You okay?” Neil asked after what felt like an eternity of just being able to have Andrew touch him again.   
Andrew shook his head against Neil’s neck and it nearly broke Neil’s heart. He turned slowly, giving Andrew enough time to step away, Neil was surprised when he didn’t. Neil looked down at Andrew, they were so close it was almost intoxicating.   
For once Andrew didn’t meet Neil’s eyes. Neil reached up slowly and gently took Andrew’s chin between his finger and thumb and tilted Andrew’s face up towards him. They stayed like that, a breath apart, Andrew not pushing Neil’s hand away. Neil leaned down just a little and bumped his nose against Andrew’s.   
Andrew snorted and rolled his eyes. He balled his fists in the pocket of Neil’s hoodie and swallowed hard. Neil pressed their foreheads together slowly. He smiled when Andrew closed his eyes. He moved his hand slowly to the back of Andrew’s neck to keep him close.   
He knew Andrew wouldn’t apologize, but Neil didn’t need him too. This was enough. He knew Andrew didn’t mean what he said that night in Columbia. Neil knew that Andrew felt trapped and he lashed out, it didn’t make it right, but Neil understood. Neil hummed to himself, low in his throat, just glad Andrew was back.   
“Junkie,” Andrew snorted then moved his face down to the crook of Neil’s neck.  
Neil wrapped his arms loosely around Andrew’s shoulders. He had to blink hard, his eyes stinging when Andrew’s arms snaked around his waist. This was the first time they’ve hugged, really hugged. Neil sighed deeply and dropped his lips to Andrew’s shoulder and breathed him in.   
A part of Neil hated how much he depended on Andrew, how this could mean so much to him. But the bigger part of him felt thawed out. He felt like maybe, just maybe he was alright. That they were alright. He ran his hand up the back of Andrew’s neck slowly. He couldn’t remember the last time he was just held like this, he wondered how long it had been for Andrew. He wondered if Andrew ever allowed this before. Not knowing if he’d ever be allowed this again Neil would keep Andrew here as long as he could. Because at the end of the day, Neil didn’t need perfect, he didn’t need Andrew to be anything other than what he was. Neil would hold on as long as he could.


	22. Chapter 22

Andrew had taken to sleeping in Neil’s bed, Neil didn’t mind. He liked feeling Andrew’s body heat next to him while they slept. It calmed him more than Neil ever felt. It was odd to him, how one person could calm the nervous fluttering in his stomach, quiet his over active mind. He started to sleep for the first time without his binder, naturally he didn’t have large breasts, and working out thinned them out even more, but the binder was his protection. He didn’t need protection against Andrew.  
Andrew pretended he didn’t notice after weeks of bitching that Neil’s breathing was horrible when he slept with it, but the first night Andrew slipped his hand up Neil’s shirt and ran his fingers up his back to feel just skin up to his neck he looked at Neil like he was proud.  
Some nights he still couldn’t sleep, like tonight. Neil turned on his side and faced Andrew, who slept, not soundly, but still slept beside him. Andrew’s face was slack, his blonde hair fell over his forehead and Neil had to stop himself from pushing it off his forehead, afraid he’d wake him.   
Andrew’s brow furrowed, like he was just starting a dream. Neil watched, waiting to see if the dream turned dark, waiting for the hitch of Andrew’s breath. When it came Neil whispered his name slowly. He didn’t touch him, he didn’t want to trigger him.   
“Andrew,” he whispered. “Drew you’re safe. You’re in our bed. I’m here. I’m here with you.”   
Andrew’s eyes opened, slow and sleep dazed. He slid his eyes to Neil then back to the ceiling and swallowed.   
“Hi,” Neil said softly, not wanting to wake Kevin.   
Andrew rubbed his hands over his eyes and groaned, it was just a little thing, but Neil understood.   
“It’s okay Drew,” Neil whispered. “You’re safe, no one is here but me.”   
Andrew sat up, elbows resting on his knees and looked around the room as he came out of sleep. He turned and put his feet on the floor and bowed his head.   
“Do you want some fresh air?” Neil asked. “We can go to the roof?” Neil sat up when Andrew got up and reached for a sweatshirt.   
Neil didn’t ask what Andrew had dreamed. They both had their demons, even though they were gone, that didn’t stop the memories. Neil understood, just as Andrew never questioned Neil’s sleepless nights.   
The air on the roof was cool, summer giving into fall and Neil took a deep breath, the crisp air was calming. Andrew sat on the edge of the roof and lit up a cigarette. Neil pretended he didn’t see his hands shake. Neil sat close, but not enough to touch him, just enough to know he was there.   
After Andrew tossed the cigarette over the side he turned to Neil. “Did I wake you?”  
Neil shook his head, class would be hell tomorrow.   
“You need to sleep,” he said as he lit another cigarette.   
“I do,”   
“Not enough,”   
“Some nights I can’t, I don’t trust my head,” Neil shrugged. He leaned over and stole a drag from Andrew. He blew the smoke out slow. The taste of smoke on his tongue became less and less a reminder of his mother and more a reminder of Andrew, on a night like tonight, when they were both rattled, it calmed his nerves.   
Andrew ran his hand up Neil’s back and pressed a kiss into his shoulder. His hand stopped where Neil’s binder normally was. Neil didn’t understand Andrew’s fascination with the fact that it was off, why even over a sweatshirt Andrew’s hand would linger.   
Neil leaned into Andrew, just a bit and looked over at him. His eyes glittering in the pale street lights below them. Andrew lifted his head so his chin was on Neil’s shoulder and they kissed softly, lips barely touching. Neil let his eyes close when they stayed close, foreheads together, noses brushing skin.   
“Junkie,” Andrew said almost fondly.


	23. Chapter 23

The idea of having sex with Andrew was complicated. It came slowly, the realization that a hand up his shirt without his binder didn’t make him tense, in the need to press his hips against Andrew’s, until the thought bloomed in Neil’s mind and he asked “Do you like sex?”   
Andrew blinked at him.   
“No,” Neil back peddled, “I mean, fuck, I mean the idea of sex,” He said quickly. “With me.” He added after a beat of silence.   
Andrew leaned back from him as they sat on the roof, eyes narrowed at him. He wasn’t angry, he was thoughtful, still.   
Neil was the first to look away. He looked over the green of the campus, the students below them going or coming. “I was just thinking that,” Neil took a deep breath to calm his nerves. “Maybe, one day, if it’s with you, I’d be okay with it.”   
“Okay with it,” Andrew echoed.   
“Want it,” Neil clarified. “If it was with you.” He said still looking over the campus.   
“Why?” Andrew asked after a long time of watching Neil fidget.   
Neil shrugged and glanced at him, he wanted to throw himself off the roof. This was a horrible idea, to just say it out loud.   
“Neil,”   
“I feel comfortable with you?” Neil asked slowly. “Comfortable enough with myself with you.” He turned back to Andrew. “I’m okay with not having sex, okay isn’t even the right word, content maybe? I don’t know, I just mean that if you ever wanted to, maybe we could, one day. Someday. Me and you.”   
Andrew squinted an eye at him. “You talk a lot,” he said. “I don’t know why everyone thinks you’re quiet.”   
“Andrew,” Neil frowned. “I’m trying to have a real conversation with you.”  
“Oh?” Andrew asked.   
“Fine,”   
Andrew stubbed out his cigarette. “I hate you,” He said then reached for Neil. It was much like their first kiss, a fight, full of passion. “You want too?” Andrew asked, his mouth still on Neil’s.  
Neil nodded his hand in Andrew’s hair.   
“Soon,” Andrew whispered before he kissed Neil again.


	24. Chapter 24

Neil didn’t trust a lot of things in the world, it’s how he was raised. He was raised to look over his shoulder, to question what was said. He learned never to take from anyone, because he would have to give more than he took. He had nothing left to give.   
That changed when he came to Palmetto State, when he became a Fox. He found himself giving, he found himself trusting. Andrew, who was just as screwed up as Neil was, was a big part of that. Neil wasn’t sure if it was shared knowledge they had that they were just as fucked up as the other, or if Andrew cared for him, wanted him. Neil decided not to question it, he took it for what Andrew was willing to give.   
It was hard now that Neil was out, that everyone knew his secret. He got support, fans held up trans flags, shouted his name, but there was hate too. Players sneered at him, called him a girl, they would yell across the court “Number 10! She’s open” Neil hated it, but he took it. His teammates were less kind. Surprisingly it was Aaron who threw the first punch for Neil. The crowd cheered as Aaron thanked the Ref for his Red card as he walked off the court, head held high, the Foxes smacking him in support on the helmet and shoulders. Neil didn’t know what to do about that.   
Tonight, he didn’t have to think about Exy, he didn’t have to think about the slurs thrown at him, or the support given by strangers. He could just be a boy in the passenger seat of his boyfriends’ expensive car. Andrew had been quiet since they had their sex talk, like he was trying to work it out in his head. Neil let him. Neil knew what would happen when Andrew was pushed too far too fast. He still had healing scars from his words.   
He watched Columbia roll past them in twinkling lights and busy streets. After Andrew’s attack he never wanted to come to Columbia again. He thought if he could stay away that those memories would also stay away. But while Neil ran from problems, Andrew fought them. He fought to take back this town, he fought to have one of the only places that felt like home. If had hadn’t won already, Neil thought he was close.   
Neil smiled just a little at the Halloween decorations Nicky had put up the weekend before when they were there. It felt like home, which surprised Neil. He followed Andrew into the house. He put the few breakfast items they brought with them on the counter and looked up when he felt Andrew’s eyes on him.   
“What?” Neil asked.   
Andrew moved to him, head slightly tilted up to look Neil in the eyes, he was close, so close Neil could feel his breath. Andrew watched him, then he tangled their fingers together and pulled Neil towards the stairs. Neil followed, unable to do anything but. Andrew led them to his room and shut the door behind them. Neil stood in the room, not sure where to stand, not sure what to do with his hands.   
Andrew moved to him, graceful and sure as always and wrapped an arm around Neil’s waist pulling their hips together.   
“Yes or no?” Andrew asked.   
Neil knew what he was asking, it plowed over him and made his nerve endings burn. After a moment, he nodded.  
“Say it.” Andrew said.  
“Yes,”


	25. Chapter 25

Neil sat cross legged on Andrew’s bed in Columbia slowly typing a response back to Nicky’s text. Aaron and Kaitlyn were fighting Nicky wanted Neil to fix it. Neil was frustrated that his ‘Hell No’ response took three attempts to actually type out. He hated his phone still, if Andrew didn’t insist on him having it Neil would never have it charged or on him. Somedays he tried, and then Andrew would lock him out of the car, or shoot Exy balls right at his head during practice and Neil, who could withstand a lot, didn’t want to deal with Andrew’s attitude, so it was on him. Always. And he hated it.   
Andrew walked into the room, eyebrows going up in question when he saw Neil on his phone.   
“Nicky,” Neil said.   
Andrew didn’t answer, he turned his back and dropped the towel that was around his neck into the hamper. He had been quiet since they left campus, Neil was used to Andrew being quiet, but not to him, not to the point that he hadn’t spoken in hours.   
“Hey,” Neil frowned. “What’s up with you?”  
Andrew shrugged.   
“Words Andrew,”   
Andrew flipped him off over his shoulder.  
“Asshole,” Neil sighed. He flopped on his back looking up at the ceiling. He was surprised when Andrew announced they were going to Columbia alone this weekend. They hardly ever came here alone, usually it was with everyone. Usually it was nothing, Andrew needing time away from the constant noise of the dorms, but this time felt different. Neil could almost feel the nerves coming off of Andrew. Neil didn’t like when he couldn’t read on Andrew’s face what he was thinking. He had gotten good at interpreting Andrew’s moods through the tension around his mouth and eyes, but tonight, it was like Andrew was a stranger again. It was unsettling.   
Andrew sat on the edge of the bed, his back to Neil. Neil lifted his head and nudged him with his foot. “Seriously what is going on with you?” He sat up when Andrew didn’t answer.   
Andrew turned to him wordlessly, studying his face the same way Neil did to him. “Did you mean it?” He finally asked.  
“Mean what?”   
Andrew wared with himself, his jaw working a few times before he finally was able to say “Sex.”   
Neil shrugged, trying to look casual, but felt his back straighten. He sighed when Andrew gave him a look “I don’t know. It’s a big deal, for both of us, so I don’t know.”   
“You say a lot without saying anything.”   
“Fuck you,” Neil frowned. “This is hard for me and stop pretending it’s not hard for you.”   
“You know I don’t care that you’re trans,”   
“And still you threw it in my face to hurt me right in this very room.” Neil said then held his hand up when Andrew started to argue. “Unfair. I know. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. Look Andrew, this is the first time in my life that I would sleep with someone if it came to it. The first time I’ve thought about it. It doesn’t mean we have to do it.”   
Andrew nodded and looked away “I want too,” Andrew said softly.   
“But?” Neil voiced, because he could feel it in the air hanging between them.   
Andrew sighed, deflating. He leaned his elbows on his knees and shrugged.   
“Scared?” Neil asked. He sighed when Andrew nodded. “Andrew, I don’t need it. If nothing changed between us that would be alright, because it’s not about sex with us. It never has been.”   
“Yeah? What’s it about?” Andrew scoffed   
“Trust”   
“Oh fuck you,” Andrew sighed hanging his head.   
“It’s about a life together. A life that I never thought I would have and I want that with you. I think I have that with you. That’s what this is about. It’s about building a life with you, next to you. It’s about a choice, and I choose you. Over and over I will choose you. Sex or not.”   
Andrew turned his head and looked at Neil for a long time. He reached behind his head and pulled his sweatshirt off leaving him in a black t shirt, armbands off. He crawled into the bed next to Neil and for a moment didn’t touch him. Neil watched him intently, but tried to look casual, even if he didn’t feel it. Andrew put his hand on Neil’s chest and pushed him back on the bed. He followed Neil down and rested his head on Neil’s chest.   
Neil wrapped his arms around him slowly once Andrew relaxed against him.   
“I choose you too.” Andrew whispered.


	26. Chapter 26

Early the next morning there was a knock at the door. Neil heard it and sat up in bed alone, he blinked around the room wondering if he was imagining the noise before another knock, this time louder came from the door downstairs.   
“Stay upstairs,” Andrew called.   
“What is going on?” Neil asked, but didn’t get an answer. He moved to the mouth of the stairs still blinking sleep out of his eyes trying to hear the muffled voices downstairs.  
Neil was moving the moment he heard a body hit against a wall. He made it to the mouth of the kitchen and stopped in horror. Four Japanese men held a struggling Andrew against the wall. Andrew got an arm free and punched the man holding his neck against the wall so hard he stumbled away letting go of Andrew.   
Neil locked eyes with Andrew when an audible click of a gun being cocked echoed through the room. Andrew was frozen, a gun to the back of his head.   
“I told you to stay upstairs,” Andrew said through gritted teeth. “I have it handled.”   
“This is handling it?” Neil asked surprised.  
“Shut up,”   
“Let him go,” Neil said to the man holding the gun to Andrew’s head.   
“Don’t worry Neil,” Andrew said coolly. “They’ve already made a mistake they’ll live to regret.”   
Neil shot a glance at Andrew, one he hoped to convey ‘be quiet now’ and then turned back to the men. “I won’t ask again,” Neil said trying to keep his voice even, but he had to ball his fists to keep them from shaking.   
“You aren’t in the position to be making demands,” An even voice said from the porch.   
Ichirou Moriyama stepped through the door tugging a black leather glove into place. He glanced around the room, noting the damage Andrew and his men had caused and raised an eyebrow. He turned back to Neil and walked towards him.   
Andrew moved uncaring of the gun on him, Ichirou reached out and grabbed Neil by the jaw forcing him back against the kitchen counter and put a gun to his temple. He turned his head back towards Andrew. “Move again and you will force my hand.”   
Neil watched Andrew with wide eyes, his chin forced back from the rough handling. He tried to keep his breaths even but was losing the battle.   
“I don’t care who you are,” Andrew said. “If you hurt him I will find you.”   
Ichirou smiled and turned back to Neil. “Oh Natalie you have made a mess again haven’t you?”  
“It’s Neil.”   
“You are who I say you are,” Ichirou said, his voice cool and even.   
“What mess are you talking about?” Neil asked, in the scheme of things, it had been relatively quiet lately. He was at a loss of why Ichirou thought he had to personally visit Neil in Columbia. “How do you even know we were here?” he asked the moment the thought struck him.  
“I know everything you do,” Ichirou said. “We had a deal and you aren’t living up to it.”   
“How?” Neil asked swallowing hard. “I’m playing, that’s all you asked of me before I graduated.”   
“And now you are all over the news not because of your playing but because of your handicap,” he said.  
“What handicap?” Neil asked and held in a groan when his head was pushed further back nearly cutting off his airway. He heard Andrew growl in warning, he would have told him he was fine, but he was beginning to see spots in his vision.   
“How do you expect to pay the money you owe if everyone knows that you are a woman pretending to be a man?” Ichirou asked. “I’m here with a warning, I came myself because I knew you wouldn’t listen to anyone but me. This better not get in your way Natalie. If you fail to make the cut after you graduate I won’t just kill you, I’ll take the goalkeeper too.”   
“Don’t you touch him,” Neil growled then let out a cry as he was pushed hard down onto the Kitchen counter, his head hitting hard enough to see stars. He sucked in a much needed breath but closed his eyes when he felt the barrel of the gun now pressed against his forehead.   
“You do not give me orders, you do as you are told.” Ichirou said. He said something in Japanese and Neil was held down by another set of hands. The gun lifted off his forehead and a moment later he was let go off. He crashed down to his knees in front of the cabinet and looked up. All four men had their guns drawn, but they weren’t on Andrew, they were on him. They backed from the kitchen and out the door quickly, Neil hadn’t even heard Ichirou leave.   
Andrew moved to the door, blade in hand and watched as the gang members left. Neil could tell by the tight set of his shoulders and his grip around the handle of the knife that Andrew was ready for murder.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:   
> Implied Rape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:   
> Implied Rape

Hot pain lanced down Neil’s arms as he pulled at the handcuffs keeping him to the bed. His wrists were raw, but he kept fighting. He had to live through this, he would live through it, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t fight. Staying alive is what Neil knew, he would never give up, he wouldn’t die here.   
“Be still,” Jean said and gripped his forearms pulling them towards the handcuffs. “Be still” He repeated.  
Neil let out a hiss and pulled at Jean’s hands. He gritted his teeth and turned his eyes to the dark haired man standing above the bed. “Get your hands off of me.” He warned.   
“You aren’t in the position to makes demands,” Riko said as he crawled over Neil.  
He wasn’t that much taller than Neil, but he was bigger, heavier. Neil tried turning his body away, tried to shield himself, but Riko was too close.  
“I like when you move with me Natalie,” Riko said, voice mocking.  
“Fuck you,” Neil ground out.   
The knife that pricked the underside of Neil’s chin made him go still breathing heavily through his nose, eyes on Riko.   
“I just might.” Riko smirked then brought the knife down and cut open Neil’s shirt. Riko smirked. “What have we here?” he asked as he cut through Neil’s binder.   
“Get away from me,” Neil warned squirming trying to crawl up the bed, trying to turn, anything to get away from Riko.   
Riko’s knee slid between Neil’s knees and he shoved upwards spreading Neil’s legs. Panic coursed through Neil and he fought harder, against Riko pulling at his gym shorts, at Jean holding his arms down to stop the damage on his wrists.   
“I’ll kill you,” Neil growled. “I will kill you!” He repeated when Riko pulled his own shirt off.   
“Neil,”   
Neil opened his eyes, unsure when he closed them. He expected to be back in the Raven’s nest, but he wasn’t.  
“Neil,”   
Neil moved his face away from a hand that grabbed at him, but his body wasn’t listening, he wasn’t even sure he moved.   
“Neil!”  
Bright blue eyes came into view and Neil blinked, his eyes focusing. Andrew crouched in front of him, hands on his face, eyes panicked.   
“Neil?” He asked leaning in just a little. “Hey, you’re okay. I’m right here, you’re fine.”   
“What happened?” Neil asked blinking rapidly trying to get his mind to focus.   
“I turned around when Ichirou drove down the street and you were just… gone. Here but gone.” Andrew said with a frown.   
“Ichirou?” Neil asked and glanced past Andrew at the open door then snapped his eyes back to Andrew “Did they hurt you?”   
“Stop,” Andrew said grabbing Neil’s hand when it raised towards his face. “Where did you go just now?”   
Neil frowned, the last thing he remembered was Ichirou’s hand on his face holding him down, his eyes looked so much like Riko’s that it triggered something deep within Neil. Something his brain made him forget.   
“Riko… he…” Neil cut off. He closed his eyes his breath hitching. He didn’t realize he was shaking until Andrew pulled Neil against him.  
“If he wasn’t dead I’d fucking kill him,” Andrew said, his voice cold.   
Just like that Neil knew he didn’t have to explain, Andrew somehow saw what Neil had been through those nights at the Raven’s Nest. Neil didn’t know if it was written all over his face, or if Andrew’s past let him guess on what happened to Neil under Riko’s hand. Neil leaned into Andrew, breath hitching, hands grabbing at Andrew’s sides.   
“I’ll kill anyone who touches you,” Andrew vowed.


End file.
